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The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating, by Andy Stanley
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“Are you the person the person you are looking for is looking for?"
—Andy Stanley
Single? Looking for the "right person"? Thinking that if you met the "right person" everything would turn out "right"? Think again.
In The New Rules For Love, Sex & Dating, Andy Stanley explores the challenges, assumptions, and land mines associated with dating in the twenty-first century. Best of all, he offers the most practical and uncensored advice you will ever hear on this topic.
Not for the faint of heart, The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating challenges singles to step up and set a new standard for this generation.
“If you don't want a marriage like the majority of marriages, then stop dating like the majority of daters!”
—Andy Stanley
Also includes a four-session small group discussion guide to be used with The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating video (sold separately).
- Sales Rank: #11830 in Books
- Brand: HarperCollins Christian Pub.
- Published on: 2015-01-06
- Released on: 2015-01-06
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 7.48" h x .47" w x 5.35" l, .40 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 208 pages
About the Author
Communicator, author, and pastor Andy Stanley founded Atlanta-based North Point Ministries in 1995. Today, NPM consists of six churches in the Atlanta area and a network of 30 churches around the globe that collectively serve nearly 70,000 people weekly.
As host of Your Move with Andy Stanley, which delivers over five million messages each month through television and podcasts, and author of more than 20 books, including The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating; Ask It; How to Be Rich; Deep & Wide; Visioneering; and Next Generation Leader, he is considered one of the most influential pastors in America.
Andy and his wife, Sandra, have three grown children and live near Atlanta.
Most helpful customer reviews
32 of 36 people found the following review helpful.
No matter where you are in your life or your spiritual journey – it will change how you think about the present and the future!
By Judith D. Collins
A special thank you to Zondervan and NetGalley for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.
Andy Stanley's North Point Ministries was named the Largest Church in America, this past year, and now he delivers as extraordinary fresh new look at sex, dating, and marriage— “Old Fashioned is the New Fashion”, with his insightful book, THE NEW RULES FOR LOVE, SEX, AND DATING.
The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating is a discussion guide developed for use with the four-session video, which complements and expands the material in the book. While the material in the discussion guide is intended for use with the video, some of the discussion questions will also reflect content used in the book.
Overview
1 The Right Person Myth
2 Gentleman's Club
3 Designer Sex
4 If I Were You
This book is also meant for married couples as well as singles and even for those, like myself not dating but may have grown single children or grandchildren, or for use in the leadership of young adults. As we all are aware, sex is leveraged to sell just about everything. Actually the promise of no strings-attached sex with a way above-average-looking person is used to sell just about everything. Sexual scandals among politicians, athletes, and celebrities. Infidelity is woven into the plot of just about every form of entertainment that involves a plot.
As you process the issues and questions surrounding your sexuality and expressions of your sexuality, don’t forget the broader context – sex isn’t just physical. It’s one component of a multifaceted biological, physiological, and psychological miracle that is you. So cherish it, protect it, preserve it, reserve it!
I loved this part: The present will be your past, which will be present in your future. Namely, pain you will experience later because of decisions you are making right now. People drag their past in their marriage and future. When sexuality and chemistry and passion dies – because they are no good at relationships.
As Stanley reiterates, God did not design marriage to fix people’s flaws. In fact, our flaws are often magnified in marriage. So flawed people bring problems into a marriage and bringing others into the mix like children will not solve the underlying problem.
So why not start now becoming the person your future spouse wants and needs. Your preparation now is worth much more than your commitment later. Pick an area of your life – debt, unresolved past issues, bad habits, dress, boundaries – and set a goal then list the steps that will put you on a path toward achieving that goal and becoming who the person - the person you’re looking for, is looking for.
Whether you still in the game, or back in a season of looking for the love of your life, this book can help. Sex and sexuality are a bit like fire. Fire in its proper context, it’s extremely destructive. The same is true for all things sexual. If you never been married or are under thirty, even if you have lived with someone you underestimate the complexity of your sexuality and the long-term ramifications of your sexual conduct.
As Stanley uses the example: “Sex is like nutrition", regardless of your taste and preferences, nutritional principles determine the outcome of what you eat. Our bodies share a similar design when it comes to our sexuality to be expressed within a specific context. You can choose to express your sexuality outside the parameters of that divine design. But you can’t choose the outcome. If you’re like most people you’ll do everything in your power to control the outcome. But eventually you will lose that battle as well, perhaps you’ve experienced the futility of trying to control outcomes.
Romance is fueled by exclusivity. Practice makes perfect does not apply to sex. This is why practice undermines the essence of romance. You have no control over when or if you’ll meet your right person. What you can control is what you do in the meantime. So become the person you’re looking for and they are looking for; prepare to commit. Who knows there may be someone out there preparing for you as well!
On a Personal Note:
Andy Stanley is a former pastor of mine, and have enjoyed his teachings, Christian leadership, and his insightful books, as well as his father, Dr. Charles Stanley.
When I moved to Atlanta in early 1994, my sons were away at college in another state; I was single, divorced, and in my late thirties. I was fortunate to become an integral part of what is now North Point Ministries, from the beginning of its inception in l995.
For the first three years we met every other Sunday night in rented facilities, and when the Olympics came to town, we were unable to meet for nine weeks. Later the land was purchased in Alpharetta, GA and construction began –what is now North Point –some great times, a huge singles group, and many budding friendships grew out of this fabulous foundation.
However, since I lived in Buckhead, was thrilled when in 2001, became a part of the Buckhead Church and again we held services in rented facilities in different areas of town. I was part of the group meeting in a renovated grocery store each week on Roswell Road that first Easter Sunday in 2003 in Buckhead, and later became an active member, a pre-school director and a women’s small group leader in the church.
It was so exciting with the preparations building our new church; however, I relocated, for work to Florida in 2006 and have been here since. I missed the permanent facility at Tower Place in the heart of Buckhead in May 2007 where the church is thriving today. (Cannot wait to go back for a visit). However, even though in Florida, I often read Andy Stanley’s books, and listen to his messages online—recalling those precious days under his leadership and the wonderful fellowship and supportive group of singles and friends. (All singles need friends like these)!
Highly Recommend! Buy NEW RULES FOR LOVE, SEX, AND DATING a thought-provoking guide and listen to the videos. No matter where you are in your life or your spiritual journey – it will change how you think about the present and the future. Well done! Miss you guys at Buckhead Church Atlanta.
20 of 22 people found the following review helpful.
Stanley: Sex is Easy—Relationships are Not; Become the Right Person
By Stephen W. Hiemstra ﻦ
Buy this book. Read it. Single or not, you will be glad you did.
Life has become increasingly complicated in the new millennium, in part, because American culture has thrown out “the rule book”. Some blame the pill; some blame the feminists; some blame the media. Whatever the reason, the irony is that the emotional and financial costs of broken relationships have never been higher.
In his new book, The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating, Andy Stanley writes:
“I’m not all that interested in why things are the way they are. I’m more interested in helping you navigate the way things are. My purpose in writing is to increase your relational satisfaction” (14).
Fair enough. But then Stanley then goes on to offer a rather rare insight:
“I’ve met with many struggling married couples who would describe themselves as having ‘marriage problems.’ But in all my years I’ve never talked to a married couple that actually had a marriage problem. What I have discovered is that people with problems get married and their problems collide. What was manageable as a single person eventually becomes unmanageable within the context of marriage” (20).
Wow. This is getting down to brass tacks! Instead of looking for that perfect person to solve all your problems, Stanley says—hey, look in the mirror![1]
Andy Stanley is a pastor who does not sound or write like a pastor. He describes himself as a communicator, author, and pastor and founder of North Point Ministries in Atlanta, Georgia. His book is written in 10 chapters, including:
1. The Right Person Myth;
2. Commitment is Overrated;
3. Becoming the Right Person;
4. So Becoming;
5. Love Is;
6. Gentleman’s Club;
7. The Way Forward;
8. The Talk;
9. Designer Sex; and
10. If I were You (7-8).
These chapters are preceded by acknowledgments and an introduction. They are followed by conclusions, notes, and a small group discussion guide. A DVD video study is also available.
This is a book filled with a lot of wisdom. For example, Stanley’s discussion of 1 Corinthians 13 in chapter 5 is priceless—he describes it as your list of suggestions on becoming the person that you would want to meet (76). One item on this list is patience: Love is patient (1 Cor 13:4). Stanley notes that impatience is an emotion, not a decision, and it does not come naturally. We all have a natural pace and get angry when others don’t go along. Stanley explains that love means deferring to someone else to set the pace—in time, space, and margin just as much as they need (79).
The cliff notes version of Stanley’s advice is found in chapter 10 which he describes as the “hard sell”.
Stanley knows his audience. He starts this chapter by repeating a challenge that he made earlier: “Beginning today, take a year off from all romantic and sexual pursuits” (170). This is the hard sell part. Psychiatrists tell us that addictions are forever—abstinence is the only prescription that truly works. Bad habits take two weeks to break—bad sexual habits fall somewhere in-between. While this might sound like a high price to pay for moral clarity, but the life you save may be your own[2].
Stanley suggests that you spend this year proactively doing some important things to become the sort of person that the person you want to meet would find attractive. He has 5 suggestions:
1. Address your past—face up to your issues;
2. Break some bad habits (substance abuse, bad attitudes, poor fashion choices…);
3. Set some standards—how far is too far?
4. Get out of Debt—don’t expect to dump debt on a potential spouse; and
5. Go (back) to church—hang out in the right place (172).
Remember the mirror mentioned earlier? You cannot change someone else but you can work on becoming someone they might actually want to get to know.
This is not a preachy book, but it is an in-your-face book. Although my wife, Maryam, and I have been married for 30 years, I was already 30 when I got married. This implies that I was single for a long time. Reading Stanley’s book back then would have saved me a lot of pain. Go for it. Read it. Take it seriously. Save yourself a lot of pain.
[1] Stanley writes: “ever purchase something from a big box retailer and open the box to find a card that reads something along these lines? If this product is defective or a piece is missing, do not return to the place of purchase. Instead, contact us at 1-800-ITS-YOUR-FAULT.” (59)
[2] The leading cause of suicide among young people is a broken relationship.
19 of 23 people found the following review helpful.
BUY THIS BOOOOOK and then be AWESOME about how you do relationships!
By Drew
I LOVED THIS BOOK!
Whew. Okay. Just had to say that quick a second.
But for real. I've never read anything by Andy Stanley (until this, and I most certainly will check out his other stuff soon!). The real reason I picked up this book was because I thought "Nice! I like that cover design! A lot! Super catchy cover..." and then I was like "Yeah, okay. I'll read that." Figured it might help me out with this whole Drew-likes-this-girl crazy random happenstance that popped up in my life about 2 months ago... and is becoming official soon. Woop woop!
This book was extremely readable. Stanley has a neat way with word that I found super engaging, fresh, and graspable.
The content was STELLAR. I'm a pretty traditional guy when it comes to dating and all that jazz, and Stanley did an EXCELLENT job crafting all the thoughts and feelings I have about what I ought to be doing/being in a relationship. No spoilers here - PICK UP THIS BOOK! Especially if you're a dude (Seriously, check out chapters 6 and 7). But if you're not a dude, this is also a great book for you too! Stanley describes a really practical, really wise way of going about making your relationship as successful as possible.
Another thing, he doesn't hold back any punches. He disclaimers this a lot - necessary or not - I do feel that his candid demeanor was spot on. He spells it out clearly, all the while giving an incredibly convicting call to action for both guys and girls. Get ready to be called out on the carpet. It's good. Really really good.
This book was heavy on the topic of sex. And for that I was glad. It was a really refreshing, well-needed perspective to hear.
All that to say. This book was such a great resource, for me. I will be passing it along to just about everyone I know. And because pretty much everyone I know knows I read like a million books every year, that when I rave about one, it usually means it's extra special.... AKA... they will read it because I'm that friend that forces my friends to do things and then they later come back around and say "Yeah man, you were right. I needed that! And it was awesome." And then I'm like "Yep." And then they're like "Yep."
BUY THIS BOOOOOK and then be AWESOME about how you do relationships!
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